McRalphy

          I used to be a bad-tempered person. I've spent all of my puberty and teenage years being an angry, spoilt and hateful boy. Until one day, I realized that I hated myself acting like this. That was when I tried to control my emotions and temper, to become a warm and calm person like I am today.

          I hardly lose my temper these days. Of course I get angry sometimes, but I'm able to control my expression while boiling inside, because losing temper in front of people is too immature and unprofessional.

          I had the best Saturday ever since I can remember. I cleaned my room. I had a nice work-out. I bought new stuff. I had a great meal. I watched a movie. I danced, drank and drunk.

          My life doesn't look so bad after all. Everything seems possible and lovely. I'm not being materialistic here, but sometimes (if not most of the time), when you bought something really expensive and nice to pamper yourself, you do really feel good about it!


          Next time, when you feel blue, just go shopping and buy that one thing that you've wanted to get it for so long. It does lift your mood up and makes you feel really happy.

          When you are under stress, just go out and have a drink or two. Enjoy the feeling of being drunk and move your body to the beat on the dancefloor. Your worries will disappear (at least for a while).

          Let's work hard, buy hard and play even harder!

          It's scary and tough to stand on your own feet and deal with people in your working environment, especially when you are still young and fresh from college. For the past two months, I've made quite a few mistakes at work; I tend to take it personal and blame myself for it. Then, I'll feel stupid and useless.

          My boss told me that I should think positive, because people make mistakes, and we learn from it and avoid to make the same mistake next time, and move on. 


          It's a very nice feeling to know that I'm not working alone in the office. I have my boss (Executive Producer) and my colleague (Senior Producer) watching my back for whatever decision that I make. I feel warmth, touched and loved to know that I have a brother and sister at work. They make me feel that I'm part of the family and we are on the same boat. This makes me feel confident and enthusiastic to work.

          My boss told me that in our department (The Producer Department), no matter what kind of mistakes that we have made, we are always right. We have to help each other out and do whatever it takes to twist the story and make the others look like fools, instead of us.

          I'm having fun at work!

          I guess I'm not gonna have a big celebration this year (as usual). One thing for sure is that I'm gonna appreciate and live and enjoy the last 30 days that I have left of being 22 years old. 

          How nice would it be if you stay with someone that you love. Just imagine: After a tiring day at work and intensive work-out in the gym, you are physically and mentally exhausted. When you come home, instead of facing the empty walls, you would have someone be there for you, who may asks: "How was your day?" or "Let me heat something up for you to eat." or "Come over here! Let me give you a massage".

          Instead of keeping all your negative thoughts to yourself, you have someone to talk to, to whine and complain about all the mistreatments at work.


          When you are having a bad day, it's great and relieved to think that you have someone at home, who loves you and cares about you unconditionally. Then, you will start to think that life doesn't seem so bad after all.

          Now I understand why people get married or stay together, because we are too lonely and too afraid to be alone. Life is meaningless without companionship. You are nobody until somebody loves you.

          About 5 years ago, I was being forced by the government to join the National Service training camp program. It lasted for 3 months and it was completely a waste of time, because I didn't learn or gain anything from it.

          Anyway, there was one morning, after me and my room mate came back from the morning routine training, we found that our room has been broken-in. All of our stuffs were literally being stolen. I lost my mobile, portable CD player, jeans, belt, food, and EVEN MY SHOWER GEL!!! Can you believe that?

          We immediately tried to "investigate" who did this to us and how they did it. We found out that one of the tiles on the ceiling of our room has been moved. We guessed that the thieves must have broke into our room through it. So, I climbed up to the ceiling and looked through the empty space and found that one of the domitories' ceiling is open. It got to be the one where the thieves are in. As I tried to walk through the empty space between the ceiling and the roof top towards that open-ceiling room ... ...


... ... the next thing that I know, I was falling hard from the ceiling onto a table in my room; the table collapsed and I fell again on the floor. I was hurt badly. Bruises were all over my body. I checked into the hospital and ran an X-Ray test. Luckily my bones didn't fractured or anything. 

          When we reported the whole incident to the person-in-charge, they did nothing to help us.

I was so so so angry at that time. Up until today right at this moment, I'm still angry. Although I don't do enough charity works, I'm NOT a bad person. It was so unfair that the whole incident happened to me!

          Last Sunday night, my car was being broke-in. Although the damage was not serious, STILL, I need to fix my door and gear.

          Why do bad things happen to non-evil/average good people and bad people would just get away with whatever evil things that they did to others? We would always end up blaming ourselves that we were bad with lucks at that time when bad things happen to us and we did nothing afterwards. And we actually couldn't do anything either! (Don't even expect that we can get any help from the authorities!)

          We will tell ourselves that karma is a bitch, the same or even worst thing would eventually happen to the bad people who did bad things to others. But when? I wonder. What if it doesn't happen? 

          I'm 22 and it's scary to be that young because:

A) Every decision that I make will definitely affect my future. If I've chose the wrong path, my life will be totally fucked up.

B) There are so many doors and opportunities open to me, and yet, it's hard to choose just one. Because I would never know where the door leads to and what are the good things that I would have missed out.

C) People don't take me seriously, because I'm simply too young and inexperienced. I will always end up being someone's puppet or being bullied.D) I want everything and I can't have everything. The worst thing is I can only dream of having everything like a little girl. That sucks!

E) I don't know what I'm truly capable of.F) I know that I want to be something great, but I don't know what it is, because my future is unfathomable and vague to me.

G) I'm lonely because I don't have someone to talk to, open my heart with, and truly listen to me.H) There are too little things that I know and too many things yet for me to learn.

I) I don't have a goal. Everyone keeps telling me that we should have goals in life and strive for it, because that's the force and energy that drive us to live. But I don't really know what mine is.J) I don't love my life and I don't have the drive to live it to the fullest.

          Am I too young to be so depressed?

          When I was little, I thought the world was innocent, simple, happy and easy. As I'm growing older, this silly thought of mine has been evaporated. 

          Talking with somebody (whether that person is someone that you know or work with or live with) is no longer a simple thing. You would never know the true meaning / intention of what that person say, because people are slick and fake.

          They might say something touching / caring / loving to you, but those are fabricated words which are intended to trick you into believing that they are the person you can trust, so you will feel touched and loved, and you will do anything and everything for them, or even sacrifice for them.

          My advice is that don't be too naive of the words that they say, because things are not that simple as it seem; it's deeper, scarier and dangerous!

          Have you ever wondered what's gonna happen after we died? Life after death is such a mystery to us, and all of us are afraid of it.

          Death to me is a release. Just think about it: Everything that you hold on so tight in this world, you can finally let go. Things that you matter the most, you won't give a damn anymore. There will be no more worries, sadness, heart-broken and disappointments ... ...
 

Baptiste Giabocini for Wallpaper October Issue by Karl Lagerfeld

          Human is a very fragile creature. We could die today, tomorrow or 60 years later. Death can be fell upon us anytime when we are least expected. Our life span is short. Hence, we shouldn't afraid of dying. Instead, we should live our life to the fullest, so there will be no regrets the moment when we die.

          We all have dreams. Dreams of getting something that you've always wanted. Some dreams are achiveable if you hold on to it and strive for it. But most of the time, dreams are meant to let go, because deep down, you know that it ain't gonna happen.

          Our cruel reality has killed many of our dreams. And I hate that! When I was small, everything seems possible to me. But now, if you want something badly, you have to work real hard to get it and most of the time, you won't even get it no matter how hard you've tried.


          It seems like we can't even dream anymore. Fuck those Disney's cartoons and Hollywood movies which have tricked us into believing that dream will come true someday.

          However, we can't stop dreaming. If we do, life is hopeless and meaningless. We have to indulge ourselves with our own fantasy once in a while as a getaway from our not-so-perfect reality. We must hold on to our dreams because it may come true one day even though the possibility is 0.0000000001%!

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take you breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weight out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I

          Ever since I've started working, I feel that my life is meaningless. Not that I don't love my job, it's just that my life at the moment is all about work work work!!! I have less personal time to do my personal things and everyday is about the same to me: Wake up - Go to the office - Work - Gym - Sleep. That's all! My life is robotic like the rest of the world! 


          What's the point of living a life when all we do is eat and sleep, work and spend? I just can't convince myself that life is wonderful and it's worth living after all. It's a fucking joke! I need excitements/surprises to spice up my life in order to kill my thought of being suicidal.

          Sometimes (if not most of the time) I do feel like I think too much. In fact, I over-think things until the extreme point that is totally unnecessary. I'm crazy I guess; and sensitive too! Plus, I'm being too harsh on myself. I SHOULD CHANGE ALL THAT! Because when I over-think stuff, I'll be the one who suffers, which will affect those who care for me will suffer too, because I'll non-stop whine about it to them.

          The philosophy that I need to understand and practise is that I should think less and worry less. I should just face whatever that happens and learn to deal with it then, instead of worrying what is gonna happen because it's just so tiring! And I have to accept the fact that I can't please everyone and I should stop worrying about who's gonna dislike me. And I should really stop pushing myself too hard and too harsh.

          I used to be that kind of person who don't give a shit about what people say about me. Unfortunately, I'm not that kind of person anymore. I've realized that for the last 2 years, I actually care what people say about me. I would always worry whether people will dislike me or not.


          Until SOMEBODY told me that I'm only concerned about how those people who I work with or who are important (I mean social status wise) think of me. In a way, I'm not truthfully worrying about whether they hate me or not, it's just that I'm worried for my own sake. And that hits me BIG!

          Does it mean that I'm a realistic and slick person? Who isn't anyway? 

          I believe that some of us do have superpower. Of course, the superpower that I'm talking about is not the ability to fly / be invisible / heal ... etc. It's the charisma / charm / vibe a beautiful person carries that makes people around him/her want to do things for him/her in order to please him/her. Do you know these kind of beautiful people? I know one or two. They have this amazing "power" that makes you can't say no to him/her.           I was being told by my boss that I have this kind of charm that I should use it fully/wisely to advance in my career. It's a gift and there's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

          I'm overwhelmed.